i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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