If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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