he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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