I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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