i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
