He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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