Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
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