evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
