you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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