All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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