I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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