I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
