I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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