I would go down on you faster than GM stock
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
