I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I wish you could order shots online.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
3pm strippers are depressing
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
