she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
