i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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