two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
