you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
