Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
