Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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