I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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