swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
