Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
