u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I need to wash the frat house off of me
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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