just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
