He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
