I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
