oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
