So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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