i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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