I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
