I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
