8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
two words...techno handjob
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
