I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
