yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
you inspire me to be a worse person
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
