Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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