Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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