it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
