If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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