I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
