It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
