I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
