Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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