No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
