You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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