Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
