I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
