her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
This house was built for laser tag.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
