she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
im holly from the hills drunk
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
