So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
