Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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