she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The uberlube is also flammable
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
