I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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