Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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