even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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