I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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