my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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