i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
