Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
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