You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
